Everything means nothing,
And i know nothing about anything
Everything means nothing,
Everything means nothing,
And i know nothing about anything
Read part 1 here.
Read part 2 here.
All the lights in the living room were on. On the opposite wall, written in a seemingly mad rush, probably with the black marker that was on the floor, was the following:
go in room close e door hurry
We stood rooted to the spot, reading and rereading the words. The words seemed so normal yet entirely out of place, and we did not know what to make of it.
I started to whimper and grabbed my husband’s arm so hard my nails were digging into his flesh.
“Honey let’s get out of this house now please please let’s go let’s just go!” I begged as an overwhelming feeling of paranoia overtook me. I ripped my eyes away from the wall and looked around frantically, half expecting to see something awful appear somewhere.
My husband kept staring at the words. Now frowning, he started to clench his fists. The lights seemed to flicker once, or was it my vision? Suddenly he pulled me in tight.
“It’s alright,” The words came from his mouth but I screamed and jumped back. The voice was not his.
“It’s alright honey, let’s just go to bed…”
He turned slowly to face me backed up in a corner, breathing hard tears streaming down my face and my heart pounding in my ears. My eyes were wide open and everything was so horribly, HORRIBLY clear it couldn’t have been a dream, I wished so bad it was a dream.
Without warning he lurched out at me with inhuman speed and grabbed my by both arms. His face was relaxed, but it slowly broke into a grin that got wider and wider and his eyes were open so big and his mouth kept getting bigger and bigger till it was impossible and it was more than his face.
I screamed and screamed and screamed and i remember something warm on my legs. You’d think I’d faint by then… I was not given that mercy. I’d peed myself and all I could do was stare at this grotesque face just inches from mine.
My mind spun like crazy and I squeezed my eyes shut as I wailed and cried and begged and prayed.
He spun me around so I was facing away, then he reached around and put a hand over my mouth. Then suddenly I struggled harder and screamed as loud as I could when I realised he still had both hands on either of my arms, in a painfully tight grip.
Effortlessly, he led me to our bed where he pushed me down. His arms seemed to be everywhere, moving me so I was lying on my side, still facing away from him, still gripped tightly. He hugged me close and in that same unfamiliar voice, told me to go to sleep.
Without warning he pulled me hard toward himself and all light was yanked out of my vision and I knew nothing of my surroundings.
The thought enters my mind and immediately rushed to consciousness with a gasp. At the same time i heard another gasp. It was my husband. We were both in bed. Instantaneously we yelped and scrambled away from each other, and I caught a look of fear on his face.
Now we were confused. After staring at each other for awhile he finally spoke.
“Is- is that you?”
“Oh thank God!” I nearly cried.
As relieved as I was to have my husband back, I wasn’t ready to go near him yet. He seemed to think the same. I started.
“You changed and you had a different voice and your face oh my God your face was… it was so scary” my voice dropped to barely a whisper as the recollection sent my heart racing.
“Me? It was you! You grabbed me and you were really strong!”
This was very strange indeed. The both of us had different experiences. Nothing made sense.
The sky outside was on the dark side so I assumed we somehow fell asleep and it was now somewhere at dawn. It had some logic to it but the colour of the sky seemed disagreeable for this time of day.
We talked briefly about what each could remember from the previous days and everything added up except from when we saw that message on the wall.
He looked at the room door, which was open, and I knew what was on his mind.
“I have to go look,” he said as he stood up and strode over. A moment of hesitation, then he looked out.
Nothing out of the ordinary. No words on the wall. That brought relief, yet I didn’t felt totally at ease. Then we heard keys in the front door.
My husband signalled for me to go to him and I did so quickly, then we ran to the kitchen and squatted behind the island but where we could see who was at the door. Nobody else has our house keys. Something felt really messed up and my head hurt, but my mind was strangely clear and not drowned in the usual THUMP THUMP THUMP of my heart.
The door opened and it was… my husband. From work. He stepped in, put his bag by the door then reached for the stool and polish kit in the shoe cabinet. Something seemed to catch his attention outside. He paused for awhile at the window, a frown on his face, then clearly disturbed, he went back out.
We were stunned. This was crazy. What was happening?!
“My heart… Honey my heart! I can’t feel my heart!” my beside-me husband whispered urgently, a look of panic on his face. Then it made sense.
My head was clear because my heart wasn’t thumping because… I had no pulse. I checked, different places, still no pulse. It was the same for him. He dragged me to the service yard where we could be totally out of sight, then plopped down, at a loss for words.
My mind was racing with God knows what but none of the thoughts were complete and nothing made sense. Crazy. Everything was out of whack. We just sat there, blank, as the other husband went about polishing his shoes, and then we heard the other wife call out to him, come in, put down her things and eventually came back to the kitchen to fix dinner.
The entire time we just sat there, unmoving. Eventually the other two went to bed and the house was in darkness.
What were two possibly-dead people supposed to do in a possibly-parallel world set in the past?! As my head continued swimming, my mind was snapped back into place when I perceived a sort of smoke gathering outside the window of the service yard. It was thick, oily looking, and seemed to move with a purpose. He saw it too and we stood up.
That’s when we felt it – the growing darkness. As the smoke slowly crept in through the windows, the house was enveloped in a thicker darkness.
Panic overtook us and we ran to the living room, unsure what to do next. Then we saw out bedroom door, and it had a faint glow to it. What on earth was happening?!
Part of the smoke in the living room turned into a misshapen man-like silhouette with no features, and it, oblivious to us, went to the main door and started banging on it.
So that’s what made the noise! It wasn’t even from outside! But what is it and how did it get in?
The glow on our bedroom door seemed to intensify.
Despite our fear of that unknown thing by the door and whatever was happening in the house, the two of us seemed to understand one thing: our room was safe.
We had to keep the two of them in it, somehow.
All of a sudden we knew what to do.
My husband dashed for his bag by the door and searched it hurriedly, as the smoke seemed to cover all the walls and suddenly, violently, shake everything.
He found the marker. I was already at the wall. He tossed it to me and i scrawled the message on the wall as fast as i could.
The thing banged the door again. I dropped my marker and turned to look at the door, knowing what would happen next. I was breathing hard, hoping and praying that things would somehow get better. His hand found mine and we squeezed them hard as the room door opened and out stepped the other husband.
The minute he laid eyes on us, everything just stopped. Complete silence. Not even blackness. Nothingness.
I could’ve sworn I saw myself and my wife there at the wall. We were there, I’m sure of it, but they disappeared the instant I saw them. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me?
Wait – there’s writing on the wall.
There are nights when the thought occurs to me and I’m overcome with a deep sadness and hollowness. I can almost taste what it’s like to live as a shell, haunted by ghosts of the past.
Then there are other scary times when those thoughts are instead a welcome prospect, and I look upon myself in shock but not enough disgust… That a secret part of me is ready to welcome such a fate.
I woke up today with a pain in my stomach.
Thinking it was hunger, I had a big breakfast. The pain remained.
Thinking I was constipated, I took a laxative. I went without a problem but the pain remained.
Then I realized I was just lonely. The pain was in my heart, too.
As I stood alone at that empty corridor, the thought suddenly but me as clear as day.
My Lord has never forgotten me. He has sustained me from before I know and is still keeping me alive. He ever abandons me despite my heedlessnes, ingratitude and shameful conduct.
It was an overwhelmingly intense moment and I had to sit down.
Every now and then I would be hit with these powerful episodes of clarity and my chest would feel so open and light, liberated and coursing with regret and love. Life would suddenly have colour and my existence would be almost tangible, so precious and yet so fragile a gift.
But I would of course drag myself out to the darkness of night again and drown myself in a black pool. How stupid then to wake up every morning questioning why my life felt so fragmented, exhausting and wholly unfulfilling.
But like a small town approaching the depths of night, the lights slowly went out. Little by little those blips of awakening became less frequent, less intense, till I was completely surrounded in a pit of sticky tar, my own self enveloping me. Suffocating me without taking my life, dragging me down a road to another hell.
Is there any good left in me? Am I truly one of the Lost now?