Monthly Archives: January 2018

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At first I was counting down the years till the end of my working contract, then I began counting down the months of the year, then I started taking it week by week and now I live almost day to day, counting away the blocks on my timetable whilst almost looking forward to the weekend. Still a part of me is excited for the coming holiday.

But the years are too long, it’s painful to look that far. And when I shorten it I can’t find a sweet spot either. I think and think then realize that more than my job, I’m counting the days to the end of my life.

There’s nothing I look forward to and this world is a strange place.

The one solace in my death is that it doesn’t necessarily have to take months or years; it could happen any day.

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I had to have my understanding of life wrenched out of my grasp, for me to realize it was fleeting and far from the truth. With no compass and everywhere to go, I was pushed out of desperation, to seek out, nay, discover, what life truly held for me. I had to peel back the scab which had grown so firmly fixed, then dig through the raw flesh to see for myself what I had once been able to see, but have since covered up. My existence is not moot, but I’ve been living life without meaning nor benefit.

What is my end goal?

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